met by love
"Through the past weeks, God has used temptation and the feeling of defeat to usher in a season of abundant grace and mercy. Watching as the enemy took control of the insecurities to affect not just your personality and emotions, but also your relationships with the ones who love you most, was painful not just mentally, but especially physically as each day I watched as you fell closer and closer to reaching the point of self destruct. It was the final night sitting in your bed, telling you everything you were, all the love you were worthy of, all the plans God had in store for you, that I could see the enemy losing his grip. I watched as your demeanor changed from wanting to push away love, to a tears welling up in a stubborn girl and the realization of the words she spoke and how twisted they were. The enemy had targeted your weakness to the point where that night would have been the night where all good would have been lost and the Kinsey I know, the one I fell so hard for would have slipped away. Reminiscing though I see how God stepped in, directed your actions, stopped certain choices by using friends, and ultimately revealed himself, that even in the midst of a long trial he had been there all along, waiting with arms wide open to embrace his daughter; the ultimate love that despite poor choices and doubt in faith, God never faltered; love prevailed." -Luke
"You can only divide your time up into so many parts and be investing sufficiently in them. When you try to give 110% to so many different areas of your life some will suffer or you will. Spreading yourself thin also doesn't allow you to grow or allow people to fill up your cup, and if your cup isn't full then it is so much harder to help fill others" -Mal
These are words my directly from Luke and Mal in reference to my most recent season. On March the 3rd, I was in my room with the two of them sharing some stuff I had been struggling with. As I opened up to them, I felt a growing tightness in my chest. I thought it was simply due to how much I had been crying, so I kept talking, to which it only got worse. I told them that I felt like I was about to pass out and then I did. When I opened my eyes again, Luke was holding me and begging me to breathe, and telling Mal to call 911. The next thirty minutes are quite blurred because of how much I was in and out of consciousness, but when the paramedics handled the situation and I was breathing normal again, they told us it seems that I had experienced a sizable panic attack. I rested for the remainder of the night and woke up Sunday feeling substantially better. The next couple of days were approached with ease, but during my 8am on Tuesday, I began to experience panic attack number two. I called my sister and she contacted Mal and Luke, which were thankfully close by and able to get me back to my room. Yet again, I don't remember much from the attack, but I do distinctly remember looking Luke in the eyes as he held me in-between my gasps for breath and saying over and over "what is happening to me, why does this keep happening, help me Luke, help me God".
The next week was hard. I felt as if I were walking circles in a cage of fear of the next attack. I began to pray for peace and claimed that as my new posture because I didn't want to live a life ruled by fear. I truly believe the fruit we produce shines light on the root in our heart, and it is clear that I was rooted in fear and distrust. Over the past couple of weeks, I have learned so much on the importance of rest and dependance on God. I have had to take a hard look on what tears me down and actively work to remove it from my life. I have had to swallow my pride and cut back on my hours at work due to the physical and mental exhaustion it is causing me and be okay with having less money in exchange for more energy. I have had to apologize for who I have been and things I have said in my distress. I have had to ask for raw and uncomfortable truth and accountability. I have had to chose life over lies. I have had to tell myself daily that He gives strength to the weary and that his grace is sufficient.
Take it from someone like me because I'll always give it to you straight: You can't do it all and you shouldn't. Rest is crucial to being the best version of yourself. Accountability is a necessity. Fill up so you can pour out.
If you too struggle with being stretched too thin, living in fear, struggling with believing in His goodness, or thinking you can do it all on your own, here are some things I have learned in this eventful season that I think you too could benefit from:
1) He can handle it. Your fears, your doubt, your anger. He can handle every bit of it. If he was strong enough to bear the weight of your sins on calvary, what makes you think He can't handle your frustrations?
2) He gives strength. I think one way we can renew our strength is by honoring the sabbath. Whatever day you choose, just take time to truly honor God and connect with him in a special way.
3) Understand that when you try to do it all, all of the time, you are doing more harm than good. An empty pitcher can't supply water and in the same way, you can't radiate joy when you are stretched so thin that you don't have it yourself.
4) Rest is important. In such a work-driven society, it is easy to get so busy and forget to rest, but we cannot afford to keep doing this. Take some "me time" and catch your breath, renew your thoughts, and probably get some sleep. Naps are great. Long walks are great. You do you for once.
5) Do it afraid. One of the biggest fears from my panic attacks is that it disqualifies me from serving in India over the summer, but I must remember God's power and calling of me to Hyderabad, India. He is in control and I cannot lose sight of that. With that, I will move forward, even in my fear, and trust His goodness while following his calling.
6) Have a posture of dependance. Trust me, when you turn to Him, you will always be met by love.
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