the love that knows no bounds

Since I was 8 years old, I have struggled with anxiety. Throughout the years, my anxiety has taken me down many roads in search of answers and fulfillment. It is probably safe to say that as a kid, I was in church just as much as I was in school, so it was instilled in me that no matter what I go through, Jesus is greater and that I could find rest in Him. I became so good at playing the role of believing this to be true that I even convinced myself that I trusted in Jesus and he was Lord of my life. Nineteen years and two extensive trials later, I was still convinced that my hope was in Jesus and that nothing could bring me down. My first semester of college was nothing short of a nightmare and my second semester started off just as bad. Torn between a constant battle of flesh vs. faith, my anxiety was at an all time high and my faith quickly came to an all time low. By the time mid-March of this year hit, I felt so far from God that I was ready to walk away from the faith I had practiced for the past 19 years. Church has always been one of my favorite places to be because it was where I could share my struggles with like-minded people and be encouraged and directed back to the path I was made for; but during this season, church was the last place I wanted to be seen. I felt that my struggles were too deep to share and if my family knew where my heart was, they would be too hurt. To say I felt ashamed does not even begin to describe it. I began to distance myself from just about every aspect of good in my life; my faith, my family, and my friends. When I went home for spring break, things begin to change in my heart and for the first time in a while. I wanted to stop living in darkness. I was exhausted from trying to live such a double life and that Sunday after church, I had the chance to be transparent with my sister about what I had been going through. I will never forget the love and guidance she gave me as I shared how lost and ashamed I was. I did not understand why she offered so much grace but it led me to the decision that when I returned to school, everything about my lifestyle would change. I would have to say 'no' to certain people, 'no' to certain settings, and especially 'no' to the desires of my flesh. I knew I would have to replace the 'no' to the wrong things with 'yes' to the right things; yes to spending time in the Word with God daily, yes to the right relationships, yes to trusting God and waiting for him to lead me, yes to letting His love in, yes to Jesus altogether. March 21, a friend invited me to church and I said yes because I felt like it was God opening the doors that my sister and I had prayed for. That night in small group, something wonderful happened that solidified everything I had grown up believing and crushed every doubt I had been battling the past few months. I had the most one-on-one encounter with the Holy Spirit that I have ever experienced and that night, I began to really buy into the fact that Jesus loves me. I ended up going home for a family dinner the next night to share with them what I had shared with my sister the previous week, but this time I got to tell what the Lord had just done in my heart the night before. Hearing myself talk about being transformed from darkness to light made me fall so in love with Jesus that my only response was to surrender and follow Him with every aspect of my life. For the longest time, I had followed him with my actions, but because I was not following him with my heart, saying 'no' to Jesus became really easy when other things looked more appealing. Suddenly, I understood how true Matthew 6:21 was (for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also). My treasure was not in Jesus and my peace reflected it 100%. Psalm 51:10 says, 'Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me'. God has done just this. Since that night my friend invited me to church, God has opened door after door and has proven his love for me time and time again. Relationships that needed to be restored are under construction, I am taking steps in the right direction through his power and guidance, and the God I grew up "knowing" is now my best friend and someone that I love. This storm I have been in the past few months was dark and full of pain and confusion, but it was not in vain. God has shown me his power and has provided for me in ways I did not know I needed. Things are not perfect by any means but God's love is and that is what I run to and rest in each day. Matthew 4:19 says, 'And he said to them, "follow me, and I will make you fishers of men"'. I have decided to follow Jesus because when I didn't, life didn't make any sense. In you Lord, I am found. In you Lord, anxiety has no grip on me. In you Lord, I am secure. In you Lord, I am confident. In you Lord, I am loved. In you Lord, I am free to follow. Agape is the greek word for love at its ultimate; not the love you have for your mom or spouse, but more like the love that it took for Jesus to hang on the cross. There are so many words that could sum up this season of life I have been in like grace, surrender, follow me, worthy, trust; but agape really tops it all. Love changes everything. The love my sister showed me that Sunday afternoon softened my heart to receive the love God was planning to give me the following Tuesday. This selfless, sacrificial love that is not dependent on my actions is what brought me back to the foot of the cross and I don't plan on leaving. My sin was great, your love was greater. What could separate us now?

Rest easy, my friends.