Why I Can't Let the Width of My Thighs Dictate the Width of My Smile

This will be new news to some of you, but for others, just an exciting update. For the past 5 and a half years (wow), I have struggled with an eating disorder. My battle with anorexia began my freshman year of high school, and has continued, although much more controlled, to this day. After being released from a 14 day stay at a hospital that treated young women with eating disorders, I went to therapy in Athens at least once a week and saw a dietician every other week for the next 4 years. This time was beyond challenging for my entire family, but through God's sweet grace and provision for my life, we made it to the other side of my recovery. Today, I am at the weight I swore I would never let myself get to. The weight my dietician pushed me to get to every time I saw her. The weight that gives me much more energy than the weight in high school ever could have. My healthy and safe weight. If you're with me, keep reading.

The main struggle with my eating disorder was obsession with numbers; the number on the scale, the number of calories eaten, the number of calories burned during a workout, the number on the jeans I was wearing- obsession with something I could control when I felt there were so many other things I couldn't. Instead of simply being who God called me to be, I was always striving to become who I thought I should be, which was an endless pit of disappointment, because when I got to one goal, the next one was right around the corner knocking with no mercy. I am beyond grateful that I serve a God who is relentless in pursuit and will not let my need for divine, deep love that is meant to be filled by Him and Him alone be cheaply met by lesser things. For the 4 years of high school, and first semester of college, I lived in a constant state of lack; lack of confidence, lack of peace, lack of belief in God's love for me. My state of lack did not end until I truly began to believe Ecclesiastes 3:9-11

9) What do workers gain from their toil? 

10) I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 

11) He has made everything beautiful in His time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 

This passage changes the way I see myself because it points me to the truth that God is in complete control and He is completely good. It also reminds me that our efforts to take control will gain us nothing. Once I started to believe  passages like this one and  Psalm 139 (go read it!!!), it became clear to me that this life is not my own- it is God's and there is no sweeter name to have ownership over my life than His. With that, I understand that I cannot obsess over something that is not my own, so I can work hard and live a healthy lifestyle but my body cannot dictate how happy I am, because my joy comes from the Lord, not my own success. One thing will forever stand true and it is this: life is everchanging, but God is not. When my confidence comes from the way my body looks, it will be shallow but when it comes from the God that created the universe, it's much more substantial. The version of me that was 20 pounds lighter and didn't eat was far from joyful but the version of me now that eats cookies but works hard is much happier and so free in the abundance of th Lord. My cheeks may be a little bigger but so is my joy and that's something I can't trade for a size 0 body. Always remember this; the number on the scale is simply a number. It has no capacity to  tell you anything about your character, the way others feel when they are around you, or even the way things will play out in your life. You must decide: will your joy come from a number on the scale,  or from who you really are and who God has called you to be?