Called but not Confident

I cant do this.

There is no way I will make it.

I am not strong enough or prepared.

I cannot handle America, why can I handle a small village where I know no one.

These are the thoughts I was having as I had my very first panic attack back in March. As I lay there on the floor, not able to think straight or breathe, all I could think about was the reality that this would be one more wall I would have to tear down before going to India: The wall of fear being my triumph.

A few weeks passed by, over a month actually, and I decided to push my fear aside and go ahead and apply for my VISA. The process of the VISA made me even more anxious and things went from bad to worse when my VISA did not go through.

Is this the Lord trying to re-direct me? Is this the enemy trying to distract me? I had felt so confident about the trip up until this time. I did not know what the right move was, so I did nothing.

And here I am, still in my wander, waiting for my conference call on Sunday with the volunteer coordinator. Praying for clarity, praying for answers, praying for peace. I want India. I want Sarah's Covenant Homes. I want the experience to love and lead this summer and to jump into the unknown and lean on God the whole way through. I want to trust that God opened all these doors to this trip so quickly for a reason. I want to see this thing happen. BUT FEAR. Fear is in the way. Doubt of my ability, doubt of the finances, doubt of the process. Maybe, instead of it being a decision about SCH, it is a decision about trust. Perhaps God is just trying to teach me to make a decision to trust that He will be on the other side to see it to completion. I don't know if I should go to SCH at this point or not, but I do know that God is in the midst of this and he is working all things together for my good. My heart of surrender is all He needs and I give it to Him.