the one thing I am so sure of

Over a super good cup of coffee with a girlfriend yesterday, I somehow landed on talking about the amount of growth I have experienced over the past year and a half. What started as a simple "have you always been a believer" turned into me sitting in tears later last night, in complete awe of who Jesus is to me- thanking Him for His wisdom, provision, + grace.

Two years ago, I was a girl living in full fledged fear of all the things; romance, true friendship, weight gain/fitness goals, rejection- honestly, you name it + I was probably afraid of it. During this time of feeling like I could never get on my feet, the Lord was shaping me so tenderly into who I am today; a girl that is still so unsure of a lot of things, but confident in one thing: the heart of Jesus. 

What I did not mention is that somewhere in this year and a half, I went from a strong believer of Jesus to a very skeptical one. I just couldn't seem to believe that God truly wanted good things for me, looking at where my life was, compared to where I wanted it to be. I didn't see where it made sense to devote my life to a man I had never met. This season produced extreme uncertainty in me, but eventually, I realized why I couldn't see the heart of God. 

I was not convinced that He was working all things for my good because my eyes were too focused on my pain and the mistakes I had made.

So often, I think we miss the heart of God because we are just too focused on ourselves + our flaws. I used to try so hard to prove my worth by the things I did + I always fell short. Often when we think God is failing us, we are just not walking with Him, being renewed by His spirit + living in His grace. Scripture tells us to set our eyes on things above and this is crucial because when I began to do this, things changed for the better in me. I still wrestled with my doubts, but I fought back. I decided that if believing in Jesus was wrong, then I did not want to be right. I was ready to face my weaknesses + stop being afraid of failure. I had come to a point of leaving my past behind and accepting the grace He offers us + this is where transformation happened. 

The truth is, we live in a world of uncertainty. We have so many options and things can change in an instant. The only way we will have lasting growth is to set our standard on something that will never change. Yep, you guessed it. Jesus. Through my recklessness, He has been the one constant. I walked away from Him so many times but even when I ignored Him, He was with me; protecting me + providing a way out. He truly is a God of grace + His pursuit cannot be matched. 

When we give into the goodness of God, it is there that we find freedom. Freedom to love without wondering what we get in return. Freedom to grow and become who we are meant to be. Freedom to make mistakes and give yourself the grace to grow. Freedom to look at all of who you are + love yourself anyway. Fear will always be at my core, but with the certainty that God is there at the start + the end of the road, I can live in grace. It amazes me how God sees all of us + loves us anyways. How great it is to be uncertain of many things but so sure of this: God loves us, His heart is good, + His plans are better. Giving into this truth is liberating. My heart is open to a deeper kind of love because I chose to believe that my season of doubt doesn't tell my story because His heart is so good. He knows what we need + will always provide it. 

Take some time today to look around + see where God has tucked grace into your story. See where He is providing for you, even when it hurts. Growth isn't easy but it is crucial. Believe His heart is good because He would move mountains for you, my friend + even when you don't see it, He is working for your good.